THE PATIENT (Episode four)

Patient: I was just twelve when my mom passed away, my brother was two. My mom didn't have friends and I don't know why, because when she died we felt the impact of loneliness. My brother and I stayed in that house for almost two weeks, hoping that someone would come to pick us or stay with us. We did this while managing the remaining foodstuffs we had then. I had a little saving, so I decided to buy some more to sustain us, not knowing when next we were going to have something better to eat. A month had almost gone and still nobody came. It began to make sense to me because when my mom was alive, she never mentioned any of her sibling's existence to us. I just assumed they weren't important until it hit me real hard that I needed them. (Takes a deep breath), can I get a glass of water please...

Psychiatrist: Sure (stands and walks over to the dispenser opposite her table. Gets the water and hands it over to her patient)...

Patient: Thanks.

Psychiatrist: (Smiles as she sits down).

Patient: When I realised that nothing was going to happen anytime soon, I felt my world would crumble in front of me. I had never imagined life without my mom before. She always did all the job, provided all the money, bought all the food. I was just a twelve year old girl. I didn't completely know how to take care of myself let alone my two year old brother who was always crying every night. I guess he was missing my mom though (gives a smirk on her face). I was so scared, I didn't know how to handle any of this. Who was I going to run to, where was I going to get money. Every night I would cry to sleep because I was so scared and alone in a big world that I didn't know how to navigate myself in. For me, it was more than the pain of losing my mother, it was also the pain of being alone. (Takes a deep breath)... Eventually we had something to eat.

Psychiatrist: How did you guys survive?

Patient: I had to do things that I never thought I was going to do, and now all I've done is regret my actions till date.

Psychiatrist: How's your brother?

Patient: (Looks at the psychiatrist with a dim smile) he's fine. He is in school at the moment studying marine engineering.

Psychiatrist: Oh wow, a navy school?

Patient: Yeah.

Psychiatrist: That's nice. I heard those schools are hard to get into, he's a really lucky boy.

Patient: Yes he is (turns her head over to the door, starring at it continuously).

Psychiatrist: What are your regrets?

Patient: I lived a life that I didn't want to because I had no choice.

Psychiatrist: How about starting over again?

Patient: That's the point, I can't. What's there to start over with? I have completely lost myself.

Psychiatrist: Regrets will only make you lose the value of life.

Patient: What's to value when there is nothing (deep breath). At that point when I realised there was nothing else to eat in the house again, I decided to sell some of our personal belongings so we could get some more money. We were able to get a little money to hold us for a bit, but I knew that I needed to do more do get more.

Psychiatrist: Is this the part that changed you?

Patient: (Nods her head). I hate talking or even thinking about it. But when the thoughts and pictures are always in my head, talking doesn't seem harmful. (Clears throat) I started by sleeping with some guys in my area then so I could get small money to sustain my brother and I. I did this for a while and then diverted to much more successful people, until it became a habbit I couldn't stop, if you know what I mean...

Psychiatrist: Yes I do.

Patient: I was so engraved in this act for a long time that I forgot every of my morals and got comfortable with it. I got comfortable not because I liked it but because I lost myself in it so much that I couldn't see more about me.

Psychiatrist: How long where you into this?

Patient: (Adjusts probably on the chair and takes a deep breath). I just clocked thirty last month and I stopped when I was twenty seven. I started when I was twelve, so you can do the math. The truth is, I am not trying to put blames on any one or my dead mom. Neither am I here to seek any form of redemption. I could have decided not to sleep around but at that point, I didn't know what else I could have done. I had not just myself to take care of but also my little brother. For me, doing that was the best and only option. Now I live the rest of my life with the repercussion and regret of what I did.

Psychiatrist: Do you think this is all you will ever be?

Patient: I don't think it, I know it. (Takes a deep breath) when I was twenty, my brother had his first epileptic attack.

Psychiatrist: He is epileptic?

Patient: Yeah. Unfortunately, I didn't know until then. It was so serious that I thought I was going to lose him. I had to increase the pace of my job to make more money to sustain his hospital bills. I was able to save him, but I lost my life in the process.

Psychiatrist: What do you mean?

Patient: I lost my womb because I had engaged in too many abortions.

Psychiatrist: I'm so sorry...

Patient: No, it's okay (gives a smirk as she focuses her eyes on the little glass window on the door). I am happy I don't have to give birth to children who I wouldn't be able to protect.

Psychiatrist: What makes you think you can't protect them?

Patient: (Turns her head to the psychiatrist). Look at me, was I able to protect myself?

Psychiatrist: But you helped your brother. You were the mom he couldn't have, you were a great pillar in his life.

Patient: What about me, who was my own pillar? (Covers her mouth and sobs silently).

Psychiatrist: I know you feel very angry and sad right now...

Patient: That's the only feeling I've heard for the past eighteen years of my life. To me, happiness, joy, and all that people talk about do not exist.

Psychiatrist: But they can, they can exist.

Patient: How?

Psychiatrist: Stop living in regrets.

Patient: How can I stop living in regrets? All those things I did, how can I take them back?

Psychiatrist: The truth is that you can't. You can't change what has happened, you can't time travel. You can only create a better present and future.

Patient: It is not as easy as it looks.

Psychiatrist: It is never easy I know, but we can definitely always start from somewhere.

Patient: I don't know if I can. I have lost me to my deeds, I have lost the woman I am suppose to be and now, I'm just empty.

Psychiatrist: No you are not.

Patient:  Yes I am (Takes a deep breath). I don't even know why I came here, somehow I thought sharing my pains would heal me.

Psychiatrist: How do you feel?

Patient: I feel stupid that I thought something good could come out of me.

Psychiatrist: You were right about something. Sharing your pain alone won't help you recover, accepting to heal would do the trick. There's no one who hasn't done regrettable things one way or another...

Patient: I know...

Psychiatrist: But, some may be more than the other. It doesn't stop the fact that they are all acts that have been done. What you've being through is very tough, I know. I may not feel what you feel exactly, but I put myself in your shoes and I know it's not easy to walk in them. I'm not here to tell you what you did was right but I'm here to tell you that you don't deserve the pain you've put yourself through all these years. There are some things we can't take back true, and there are some things that we can't forget. But what makes us who we are is the fact that nomatter what, we continue pushing forward and we do not back down. That's what makes us strong and you have been strong. You love your brother and you put in so much energy ensuring he got everything you couldn't get. That was a brave thing you did, but in the process you neglected yourself and that's why you feel you've lost you. If you can only put that energy of love you have for your brother to yourself, you will see that there is so much more to live for. Wouldn't you love to see yourself happy and satisfied in life without the pain and guilt?

Patient: I would love to feel and experience all that.

Psychiatrist: Then allow yourself to heal. Don't judge yourself from your past mistakes, take the bold step and accept healing. Eighteen years ago you took a step that shattered you up until now, so now I'm telling you to take another step that would heal you.

Patient: (Sniffs as she rubs her face with a handkerchief).

Psychiatrist: Your Bp is high and we both know why that is. You have a lot in life to live for, don't lose it because of regrets. In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, a seemingly unreachable dream but we survive all this by not stopping, not staying down, but continuously pushing and moving forward.

Patient: (Takes a deep breath) where do I start from?

Psychiatrist: Start by letting go. Break the glass, pick up the pieces of your life and form a new glass...