THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS

We always talk about forgiveness but only in the light of forgiving others. We rarely talk about self forgiveness, which has as much importance as forgiving others. Self forgiveness takes away alot of things like depression, grief, regrets, grudges and all sad energies. This is a short story on Kesha Stone and her journey to self forgiveness...

"God please you have to help me, I am already tired of trying. What am I suppose to do? Everything that I have felt is right, I have done. Yet it's still the same, God I am still the same. There is no change, I still have cancer..... (Takes in a heavy breath). God I just got married and I am few weeks pregnant. Please God I can't die, I can't leave my husband and my unborn child. I can't just leave halfway".
I screamed so loud, pulling strands on my hair out as I stayed on my kneels. I pressed my face to the bed and the pitch of my voice became dim. I was already at that point in my life where I thought I was going to compromise my faith. I grew up believing God as a miracle worker but now it felt like all I had believed was a lie. Was God really going to let cancer win over my family and I, was I really going to die?  All these thoughts flooded my mind like a deep ocean as I broke down in tears. I had been a good girl all my life. In my University days, I was the president of my fellowship, the general secretary of JB summit and the choir leader of my departmental fellowship. I literally did everything I could to please God and I didn't give space for anything else in my life. In fact, at some point I felt like I was losing in on life because I didn't experience all the fun things my peers did. I withdrew myself from society so I could serve God well. If that wasn't enough, I made Him proud in my academics when I came out as the best graduating student in chemical engineering department. I was the girl child that every parent would have loved to have. I gave my all in becoming a wonderful woman, daughter, wife and now a wonderful to-be mother. Why would God allow me to have an Ovarian cancer, why! As I thought, I screamed so loud. I was the only one at home at the time, so I had the opportunity to express myself as well as I could. Why would he let the devil do this to me, where did I go wrong in service towards him. I married a man of His choice, so it's not even a matter of wrong marriage. "God please answer me" I screamed as I threw myself to the floor with my face towards the ceiling. At some point, I realised I didn't have the strength to cry anymore. I took a very deep breath and kept quiet as tears ran down my face, with some tear drops entering my ears. All I could think of was me leaving the people I love and not getting to enjoy the life I was promised in His word. As I stayed in that room too weak to cry again, I felt calmness and coolness within me and He spoke to me "Kesha you have to forgive yourself". Immediately He said that, I realised that I still carried the grudge of hate towards myself for the mistake I made years ago. I had engaged in premarital sex in my second year in school. I decided then that I wanted to call a quit on being the good girl and I was influenced by some friends. After that one time event, I hated myself and I told myself that I was not fit for the kingdom. For months, I lived in that darkness without letting anyone know. I was dying in depression and regret, until I met someone who is still my mentor till date. I opened up to her and she gave me her ears. She helped me get back on my feet and I was so assured that God had forgiven me because she told me and He told me himself. But somehow I couldn't come out of the guilt of what I had done and so anytime I experienced any bad deed, I'd take it that God was punishing me for the mistake I made when I was in school. I grew up with that mentality and it didn't go up until now.
All the times I cried concerning the Ovarian cancer, I thought God was the one punishing me  and that was why my prayer of healing wasn't working. How could I be praying to someone I thought would not answer me, there is no believe there. I was scared God was punishing me, not knowing I was the one punishing myself. I was walking in unforgiveness towards myself and unforgiveness doesn't work with faith and love. I realised that was why my prayers weren't working. I needed to forgive myself and forget my past because God has forgotten it, as it is written in His word in Isaiah 43:25 and Hebrews 8:12. I held unto something that affected me just because I was walking in unforgiveness. The moment I accepted the truth, it was like a heavy brick had been lifted up my chest. I had gotten the healing I needed, the healing of forgiveness. My health was going to better, I just knew. Immediately I fully realised that, I jerked up from the floor, wiped my face with the bed cover, put on decent clothes and drove to the hospital. I did another scan and it came out negative, the Ovarian cancer was all gone. My doctor was so shocked and amazed at the same time. He asked me how I did it and then I smiled and said to him, FORGIVENESS.

(Sometimes we just need to let go of whatever we've held unto and find ourselve in God, it's way peaceful. We can do this by first believing that God has forgiven us which is the major part and then seeing ourselves with the eyes of worth).