Patient: Sometimes when we talk about broken homes, we focus solely on the children and neglect the adults. We forget that this children will still grow up, become adults and still haven't healed. That trauma doesn't just go, it's like a tattoo that won't just come off. I thought growing up and being a man would make me less affected by it, (scoffs), I guess I was wrong. Sometimes I wish I came from another rather than my own.
Psychiatrist: What are the parts in your life that it has affected?
Patient: Every part and everything that looks like love to me. (Takes a deep breath) I'm engaged you know.
Psychiatrist: Oh my! Congratulations.
Patient: Thank you. I'm suppose to be happy, probably more excited than you are right now.
Psychiatrist: What's stopping you?
Patient: Fear.
Psychiatrist: What kind of fear?
Patient: Fear that I would be exactly like my father.
Psychiatrist: Do you think you would?
Patient: I don't know if I think it or not but I fear it.
Psychiatrist: Sometimes, fear makes us assume what we shouldn't.
Patient: (Stands and walks around the room gently, with his hands tucked inside his deep blue jean pocket). I would watch my dad beat my mom to stupor, and I wouldn't be able to do anything. I don't know why, maybe because I was scared of him or I felt it was the right thing to do. He would tell her that it is for her own good and that she deserves it. He would make it look like he's so correct with what he was doing. At some point, I thought that was how life should be. I thought every man wss suppose to be like my dad.
Psychiatrist: You were young.
Patient: I know, but I can't stop thinking of how I could have stopped him from hitting my mom. (Takes a deep breath). I hate myself because I feel I hit her too. Everytime I looked at him, I saw me and I felt I was the one hitting her. If I couldn't save my mom, who can I save?
Psychiatrist: How did it end?
Patient: My mom ran away, leaving my dad and I behind.
Psychiatrist: I'm sorry...
Patient: It's okay. That was a long time ago.
Psychiatrist: But you still feel the guilt.
Patient: Who wouldn't. I watched my mom get assaulted time and time again by the man I call my father and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't save her. When she left, even though I felt really bad, a part of me was relieved because I knew that the beatings were going to stop. I resented my dad for so long until he died.
Psychiatrist: Did your mom come back?
Patient: I haven't seen her since the day she left. I guess she wasn't just scared of my dad but of me as well. I could tell it from the way she looked at me everytime my dad hit her.
Psychiatrist: But you are not your father.
Patient: That's what I am trying to believe. I am trying to convince myself that I am nothing like that old man but "ehn" it's hard. I'm just really scared that his rage and monstrous nature lives in me.
Psychiatrist: What if it doesn't?
Patient: What if it does? The day I became so frightened was the day I almost beat my roommate to death. He said somethings about me having an unbalanced family. Even though I presumed it was a joke, I couldn't stop all the rage I had held within for so many years. I tried to take all that rage out on him and then I realised at that point, I looked exactly like my father. Thank God I didn't get expelled.
Psychiatrist: It's normal to have those rage but it doesn't mean you are your father. You just need other healthy ways to channel all that anger to.
Patient: I was hurt as a child but even as an adult, I still feel that hurt inside. I'm in pain and I am afraid that I will turn out to be the person I never want to be.
Psychiatrist: Are you like that with your fiancée?
Patient: I make sure I never act that way with her. I live in fear when I'm with her not because she's done something wrong but because I don't want to hurt her. Anytime I see that I'm getting too angry over a particular issue, I just quickly walk out of the conversation. But I'm afraid that one day I will lose it and become exactly like him.
Psychiatrist: Does she know about your father?
Patient: Yeah I told her but I haven't really emphasised my fears to her.
Psychiatrist: Why?
Patient: (Moves back to the chair and sits), because I'm afriad she'll leave me. I'm afraid to see my mother's eyes in hers when she looks at me. I love her so much and I don't want to lose her.
Psychiatrist: But what kind of love is that when you are scared of being with her.
Patient: I don't know, I don't know...
Psychiatrist: A love that is not honest isn't love.
Patient: What if I tell her and she leaves me because of fear?
Psychiatrist: I'm not sure she's going to leave you if you tell her exactly how you feel and how you love her. If she loves you as much, she'll stay but if she goes then you've done both yourselves a favour.
Patient: That's going to be hard.
Psychiatrist: Yes I know but love endures all things and believes the best in people. If she loves you then she will play by the rules of love and stay. But if you don't tell, you are going to be hurting yourself and her, and it may get too late to make things right.
Patient: What if I turn out to be my father and everyone leaves me?
Psychiatrist: You are not your father. Time and time again you have to mutter these words to yourself. You have to keep saying it until you believe it. Your father is your father and you are you. He made his own mistakes and you will make yours but the difference between you and him is that you are striving to be a better man each time. Every mistake you make, you take it upon yourself to get better and not ruled by it. (Takes a deep breath). You have to stop living in fear. Your father has lived his life and now it's time for you to live yours. Forgive yourself for the things you couldn't do while you were young and take it upon yourself to create a change in that area of life. Now that you have the power to make decisions, make the right ones. This process is what makes you a better man.
Patient: (Smiles) thank you. I think I'm going to hold on a little before getting married, I need to be real to my future wife...
Psychiatrist: What are the parts in your life that it has affected?
Patient: Every part and everything that looks like love to me. (Takes a deep breath) I'm engaged you know.
Psychiatrist: Oh my! Congratulations.
Patient: Thank you. I'm suppose to be happy, probably more excited than you are right now.
Psychiatrist: What's stopping you?
Patient: Fear.
Psychiatrist: What kind of fear?
Patient: Fear that I would be exactly like my father.
Psychiatrist: Do you think you would?
Patient: I don't know if I think it or not but I fear it.
Psychiatrist: Sometimes, fear makes us assume what we shouldn't.
Patient: (Stands and walks around the room gently, with his hands tucked inside his deep blue jean pocket). I would watch my dad beat my mom to stupor, and I wouldn't be able to do anything. I don't know why, maybe because I was scared of him or I felt it was the right thing to do. He would tell her that it is for her own good and that she deserves it. He would make it look like he's so correct with what he was doing. At some point, I thought that was how life should be. I thought every man wss suppose to be like my dad.
Psychiatrist: You were young.
Patient: I know, but I can't stop thinking of how I could have stopped him from hitting my mom. (Takes a deep breath). I hate myself because I feel I hit her too. Everytime I looked at him, I saw me and I felt I was the one hitting her. If I couldn't save my mom, who can I save?
Psychiatrist: How did it end?
Patient: My mom ran away, leaving my dad and I behind.
Psychiatrist: I'm sorry...
Patient: It's okay. That was a long time ago.
Psychiatrist: But you still feel the guilt.
Patient: Who wouldn't. I watched my mom get assaulted time and time again by the man I call my father and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't save her. When she left, even though I felt really bad, a part of me was relieved because I knew that the beatings were going to stop. I resented my dad for so long until he died.
Psychiatrist: Did your mom come back?
Patient: I haven't seen her since the day she left. I guess she wasn't just scared of my dad but of me as well. I could tell it from the way she looked at me everytime my dad hit her.
Psychiatrist: But you are not your father.
Patient: That's what I am trying to believe. I am trying to convince myself that I am nothing like that old man but "ehn" it's hard. I'm just really scared that his rage and monstrous nature lives in me.
Psychiatrist: What if it doesn't?
Patient: What if it does? The day I became so frightened was the day I almost beat my roommate to death. He said somethings about me having an unbalanced family. Even though I presumed it was a joke, I couldn't stop all the rage I had held within for so many years. I tried to take all that rage out on him and then I realised at that point, I looked exactly like my father. Thank God I didn't get expelled.
Psychiatrist: It's normal to have those rage but it doesn't mean you are your father. You just need other healthy ways to channel all that anger to.
Patient: I was hurt as a child but even as an adult, I still feel that hurt inside. I'm in pain and I am afraid that I will turn out to be the person I never want to be.
Psychiatrist: Are you like that with your fiancée?
Patient: I make sure I never act that way with her. I live in fear when I'm with her not because she's done something wrong but because I don't want to hurt her. Anytime I see that I'm getting too angry over a particular issue, I just quickly walk out of the conversation. But I'm afraid that one day I will lose it and become exactly like him.
Psychiatrist: Does she know about your father?
Patient: Yeah I told her but I haven't really emphasised my fears to her.
Psychiatrist: Why?
Patient: (Moves back to the chair and sits), because I'm afriad she'll leave me. I'm afraid to see my mother's eyes in hers when she looks at me. I love her so much and I don't want to lose her.
Psychiatrist: But what kind of love is that when you are scared of being with her.
Patient: I don't know, I don't know...
Psychiatrist: A love that is not honest isn't love.
Patient: What if I tell her and she leaves me because of fear?
Psychiatrist: I'm not sure she's going to leave you if you tell her exactly how you feel and how you love her. If she loves you as much, she'll stay but if she goes then you've done both yourselves a favour.
Patient: That's going to be hard.
Psychiatrist: Yes I know but love endures all things and believes the best in people. If she loves you then she will play by the rules of love and stay. But if you don't tell, you are going to be hurting yourself and her, and it may get too late to make things right.
Patient: What if I turn out to be my father and everyone leaves me?
Psychiatrist: You are not your father. Time and time again you have to mutter these words to yourself. You have to keep saying it until you believe it. Your father is your father and you are you. He made his own mistakes and you will make yours but the difference between you and him is that you are striving to be a better man each time. Every mistake you make, you take it upon yourself to get better and not ruled by it. (Takes a deep breath). You have to stop living in fear. Your father has lived his life and now it's time for you to live yours. Forgive yourself for the things you couldn't do while you were young and take it upon yourself to create a change in that area of life. Now that you have the power to make decisions, make the right ones. This process is what makes you a better man.
Patient: (Smiles) thank you. I think I'm going to hold on a little before getting married, I need to be real to my future wife...
Interesting.. Keep going dear
ReplyDeleteThanks so much
ReplyDeleteWow..I am not defined by circumstances and neither am I who people say I am...I am me,myself and I....Nice one@ My feel word
ReplyDeleteThanks so much dear.. We are not defined by situations..
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